Monday, August 29, 2011

Being a friend...

One thing about life that I’ve noticed is that it takes years to build something, then often only a second or two to completely destroy it. This is true on for so many different aspects of our lives. Many people spent years building a retirement fund, only to have the economy crash and it all disappear before their eyes. Some people build homes, then a disaster takes it all away. Many people spend years forging what seems to be an unbreakable friendship, only to have one moment take it all away. It doesn’t seem fair right? How so many good things can be undone by one thing? For the people that lost their retirement funds, they can reinvest and hopefully work back out of it. For the people that lose a home, hopefully there is an insurance policy that will kick in and help them rebuild. For the people that have a friendship ruined, well if they are extremely lucky they have a friend that is a good enough person to let them try and make it up to them.

Many times throughout my life I have made someone mad, yet I’ve never had a friendship truly ruined. I have been blessed with some of the greatest people anyone could ever ask for as friends. But the problem is, I never should have had to hope those friends were gracious enough to let me back in. As I thought about is blog post for a while before writing it I wasn’t entirely sure what to say. I mean I knew I wanted to write it to apologize to everyone, and point out my screw ups while trying to truly show how special these people are for not just forgetting about me all together. But how can you show someone’s heart through writing without saying names? And how can I recount all the times I have come so close to screwing up with simple words? I realized that there is simply no way this blog could ever truly fulfill its purpose because I am not capable of putting these sentiments into words.

One underlying theme in all of my screw ups with friends however is trust. Trust is one of those things I mentioned in the first paragraph. It takes years to build, and one fleeting second to lose. However, there is no insurance policy, or often times even the opportunity to work out of a lost trust. If trust is lost, everything is lost. This presents a major problem for me, because I NEVER trust people. I am one of the most untrusting people in the entire world, and I always assume that people should prove to me that they deserve to be trusted. Then once they prove it, they should prove it again. And again. And again. When in all reality, I should trust people way sooner than I do. I am the one that shouldn’t be trusted usually. Very rarely have I had a friend break my trust, yet all too often I break theirs. Many times I have had the chance to just trust someone, but instead I require proof and it turns out badly. For instance, one of my friends recently was out with a group of people. I knew my friend was capable of taking care of themselves, I knew that they were responsible and didn’t need me to take care of them. However, I didn’t trust in them to make the right decisions. I thought that there was no way a good choice would be made if I wasn’t there to help them make it. Instead of letting them be the person I knew they would be, I insisted on checking in and smothering them, all under the pretense of being a good friend. A good friend? Ha that’s a joke right there, if I were half the friend I thought I was I wouldn’t have had to check on them, I would have just trusted them. Unfortunately for me, that little mistake might have cost me one of my most cherished friendships.

Why is it so hard for me to just believe in people? Have I been let down one too many times? Have people too many times not lived up to the expectations I have of them? The answer is no. The people I am friends with have never let me down, and always live up to way beyond the expectations. The simple truth of the matter is, I am a terrible friend. I have all of these amazing people in my life, and I always, without a doubt, 100% of the time, let them down. I am the one that shouldn’t be trusted. I am the one that people should have to look out for and make sure I don’t screw things up with them. I practically need a life manager to run my daily affairs and conversations so that I can keep friends. Yet for some reason they never leave me.

So I know at this point you are all wandering what exactly I am writing about. Is it about ruining bank accounts, homes burning to the ground, insurance policies, ruining friendships or what exactly? Why did I just write 870 words without giving you a purpose for this blog? That’s because this blog was written as an apology. It’s an apology to all the people that I have let down. It’s an apology to the people that I haven’t trusted when I should have. It’s an apology to the people that I am going to let down in the future. But most importantly it’s an apology to my friends for not being the type of person that I am capable of being, and for not being the friend that I should be. It’s often times been said that friends and family are the most important things in life, and I truly believe that. Therefore, I’m going to work on being the friend that others are to me. I’m going to put the same amount of trust in them that they put in me, it should strengthen our friendships and make me a better person. After awhile, I’ll be able to look at this life and know that I am putting in the same amount I am getting out.

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