Thursday, May 19, 2011

If we want to change the world...

Before we can change the world, we must first change ourselves.

Let’s be honest with each other, we as humans are very reserved by nature. We lie to ourselves, and the world to keep the reservation intact. We pretend to be things that we aren’t. We envision ourselves the way we want to be perceived, not the way we really are. We would rather keep everyone at an arm’s length so we don’t let ourselves become vulnerable. I am probably the worlds worst when it comes to this. My best friends often tell me that they are confused on a regular basis because of the things I do. So this worried me, if my best friends didn’t know me, then who did? Did I even know myself? Had this persona that I put on taken over my life? Was the real me trapped inside myself? More importantly why was I not showing everyone who I really was?

After the last post I had a few people say that it didn’t fit me, well actually it fits me well. The problem was that with the alternative personality that I was showing them it didn’t fit. But if this blog is going to be successful I need to be honest not only with myself, but with others as well. I am going to have to open up and let people into places that I have never wanted anyone. I have to let them inside my true self, where I am most vulnerable, where I can gain the most or lose everything. It’s a risky gamble for me, but it’s one that I have to take.

Here goes nothing. The first thing that people need to know about me is that my sarcasm is real. The sarcasm that I constantly throw around is who I am. That is as “Layton” as it gets. What people don’t know though is that I often feel bad for being so condescending and rude in my sarcasm. Why do I keep it up then you might ask? Well I’ve found that by being sarcastic I can often times make myself feel better, and I can make others laugh. I know its pathetic right? I tear other people down just to get a laugh and some self gratification? But I do. I feel accepted when people are laughing with me, and I feel superior when I can make a sarcastic remark that points out something stupid someone else has said. I suppose it’s a pride thing. So why do I even point this out if it’s me? I mean you can’t change who you are right? Well wrong. I believe that anyone can consciously make the decision to go against nature and rewrite who they are as a person if it’s for the right reasons. I know that I need to change, because it’s not fair to make others feel like they are being chastised for saying things. From now on, I vow to take others feelings into consideration before I go off and make that sarcastic remark.

The next thing that people need to know about me is that even though I act like I don’t, I really believe in this whole love thing. I have fought this feeling more than anything else in my life. I never wanted to be that type of person who was a hopeless romantic and wore their feelings on their sleeves for all to see. So I kept it all bundled up, and I blamed it on a girl who once hurt me. But it wasn’t her fault, truth be known I had hidden it so well she never knew she hurt me. I took the thing that binds so many people together, love, and tried to cast it as far away from me as I possibly could. I knew that if I didn’t keep a very tight rein on it then I would be hurt numerous times. But you know what? I was hurt anyways; the only difference was that I couldn’t share it with anyone. I had told everyone that I didn’t believe in love. I had told people that I would never fall for anyone; it just wasn’t who I was. Actually, I met several fantastic girls, but I was too reserved. I pushed them away because I was afraid I would end up hurt if I kept them close. That left me as little more than an empty shell. I had all of these feelings that I was throwing away and not letting the people who needed to see them know that they were there. Slowly but surely I really was becoming this person who didn’t believe in love, a person who was hard on the inside and wasn’t capable of having any type of meaningful relationship. It led me down a path that I am not at all proud of. So what do I do now? Well hopefully I will once again meet someone that I am interested in, and when that happens I will not be afraid to let them know how I feel. In order to gain the most, I will make myself the most vulnerable. I may end up crushed, but at the same time something beautiful may come from it.

I never wanted to be this honest with anyone. There might be two people in the entire world that knew these things about me. Some may have suspected them, but no one really knew. How could they? I had lied to everyone, including myself. I kept these parts of myself locked way down deep, in the depths of me that I could barely even access. But I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. I had to be truthful with everyone. I encourage everyone to let the truth shine through. Tell your friends things about you that they have never been told before, let someone into your shell. This world needs change. It needs to be reformed, and now our generation is tasked with bringing about that change. But if we want to change the world, then we must first change ourselves. Until next time be truthful, open, and vulnerable. We can truly make this a better world to live in, and make it more enjoyable to look around and say “So this is life?”

1 comment:

  1. The first posting was saved on my computer for several weeks before I posted it, so this one really isn't that soon.